Victims and Rolexes

Statistics are fun. And disturbing. Sometimes both.

But as most things are prone to, especially in our endeared Islamic Republic, some of these ‘stats’ actually end up morphed. They become ‘evidence’ for ‘feel good’ arguments rather than being used to raise critical questions. In the anarchic, fact-free politics of Pakistani drawing rooms, they have become an institution.

We’ve heard these ‘stat-myths’ before, but a recall is in order. First, the ‘macho-nationalist’ category.

The might of one Pakistani soldier equals that of ten Hindu soldiers. Pakistan spends 80 percent of its budget on defence, and with reason. Those Indians spend ten times as much as us! This despite of Pakistanis being a kind lot, as we spend the highest amount in the world on philanthropy. By the way, Pakistan successfully repulsed ALL Indian attacks during the war of ’65. One Pakistani pilot downed 20 Indian jets in one day in that face-off. Today, Pakistani missiles can outshoot all Indian missiles.

Then, the ‘pious’ (or xenophobic/racist) category.

There were 2000 Israelis/Jews who didn’t show up to work at the World Trade Center on 9/11. All of the 18 hijackers of 9/11 are alive; in fact Mossad has stolen their identities. India treats all of its 170 odd million Muslims like second-class citizens. Pakistanis are not affected by the caste-divide, only Indians are. The KLB is being used to infiltrate our media with ‘foreign agenda’. Shias are cunning.

Finally, the generally absurd category.

The CIA works with foreign telecoms to archive the millions of text messages that we send to each other every day. Michael Jackson was a Muslim. Ashwariya Rai has ‘serviced’ a former Pakistani military ruler on a navy yacht anchored in international waters. Benazir dated Bill Clinton when they were at Oxford. Murtaza Bhutto walked himself to a hospital’s emergency room but died in vain as the doctors refused him help. Asif Zardari has built a nuclear bunker in Bilawal House.

‘Stat-Myths’ are fun to throw around when you’re trying your best to be the sexy revolutionary on campus. They also come in handy during Friday sermons, or on Sunday lunches when the irritating extended family is visiting from abroad, deserving to be pummeled into subservience with your local knowledge of current affairs.

Foreigners enjoy a special place in this school of thought. They want to invade us, colonize us, ruin our economy, roll-back our nuclear program, dominate our women and pack our men off to Bagram, and they hide it all behind development projects, aid programs, shuttle diplomacy and walls of bougainvillea.

You have to give it them, though. Sometimes, foreigners fight these fascist facts and are daring enough to pass on their perspective to us.

Recently, in a lush, high-security compound, amidst the presence of some of Karachi’s veteran journalists and an allied country’s top diplomats to Pakistan, I was exposed to some numbers that concern our foreign ‘rulers’.

The stats are public knowledge, generated by the UN (that other evil tool of nefarious foreign design) in one its recent reports: Pakistan is going to have 450 million people in 20 years. Pakistan educates (the word being used loosely, without any application of ‘critical thinking’) 4 of every ten children between the age of 5 and 9 years. The odd 200,000 kids following the British system are not going to cut the mustard, as millions are out of school permanently bla bla bla.

In effect, as one diplomat pointed out, considering there is scarce water, a shortage of power, inefficiency in governance and a deficit in stability, this country’s biggest problem is an existential one: the passage of time.

Repeat. We are running out time. At least that’s what the diplomat said.

Ha! What rubbish! The Stat-Myth Fascist in me refuses to believe this. This new ‘Time’ argument is a ruse, and will be used by the Hindu/Zionist/Neocon triad to force us to…wait for it…turn our clocks back! Not by an hour or so, but by years! This will in turn create a market for…expensive Swiss time pieces, and we will be forced to hand over something lucrative and strategic…probably Gwadar…in exchange for ‘catching up’. It’s simple, really. We are victims. And they want to sell us Rolexes.

Now, lets get back to liberating Kashmir with our mojo, building nukes with our bare hands, and sending Quranic verses via text messages. The CIA needs to discover Allah via SMS.

Also published in The Express Tribune on May 13, 2010

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11 thoughts on “Victims and Rolexes

  1. or Mossad!
    Nicely done Waj-I’m going to stop reading your pieces in the Tribune-they are butchers-and stick to your blog.

  2. Interesting yet bland. Khan should go back to being a tough-talking tv host. That’s what he does best. Leave the Sunday column to Cowasjee. Cheers.

  3. Something to think about. Why do you say that foreigners dominate our women? Care to should i say dare to explain

  4. Stat-Myths made juicy intro by you! Good reading, Khan!
    As I was reading your stats and years of events that took place, my mind went to us, as the past and present ‘colonised victims’ of the west!
    We were never free and now, mentally and economically ‘colonised’, so the rolexes! And that we will continue to be victims. Agendas after agendas, plays after plays with changing scenes, actors and directors … and we keep paying for the tickets to see such acts!

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